Dear Breast Pump,I'm not sure whether to love you or hate you. But as of today, I no longer need you.
But I would like to say thank you.
Thank you for helping me to be able to feed Colton during those 26 long days while he was in the NICU. At first you were my saving grace. Without you, Colton would have never been able to have those 'special nutrients' that only breast milk contains. You may know me better than anyone else how hard it was emotionally for me to handle him being in the NICU for nearly a month.
Why? Because I spent more time with you than anyone. Every two hours I sat with you in the quiet lactation room at St. Joseph Medical Center, just staring at the walls. Many times I cried during our time together. It was my 'alone' time; my time to just let it all out. In the middle of the night, you also were there. I sat and wished I was with my son at the hospital, but rather was home pumping so I could bring as much milk to him at the hospital on a daily basis.
But then, it was time to come home. It felt like that day would never come. We continued to have a close relationship…every two hours it was just you and me. And then I realized that in just a few short days we wouldn't be able to keep up my production with the amount that Colton was eating. So then, I cried again. I agonized over how I would ever be able to provide enough milk for him as he continued to grow. But after a few short days, I realized that this is just another challenge when it comes to delivering a child two months early.
Nature did what it needed to do. And for almost two months I was able to provide breast milk for my son daily. But then, the time came when the supply of breast milk was only going to get us through the day, and not the nights. So, we added formula into the mix (at night). Then, about a week after that the constant pumping every two hours, turned to every 4 or 5 hours. Mainly because my supply was running very low, but also because it seemed like every time I wanted to hold Colton you were calling my name. This is when I started to loathe you.
So a few days ago I had to make the extremely tough decision to let you go. My milk production was slim to none and Colton was having trouble getting through his feedings. So I decided the best thing for him was to have one type of milk to digest, not two.
After coming to terms with my decision, I realized how free I felt. How much more time I could spend holding Colton in my arms after feeding him. I also felt refreshed. While at first I felt extreme guilt that I no longer could provide breast milk for Colton, I soon realized that there wasn't much more I could do. This was nature. Exactly the same thing that brought Colton into this world two months early.
Nature. Something I can't control.
So now I am moving on without you. Although I'm sure I will be calling on you again in the near future to provide support for a second baby Robinson. But for now, I'll say goodbye.
Until next time. And let's hope next time is under much better circumstances.
Regards,
The Mother of a NICU Baby
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