It hasn't really sunk in yet…everything that happened over the past month. I know that my life has changed completely (for the better) but it still feels like I'm going about my daily life as I was before…just in a different matter.
I've accepted the fact that it will take time for me to fully realize and comprehend, that is 'process,' everything that occurred in February 2014. Part of me thinks I'm ready, while the other is in 'full Mom mode' and nothing can stop me now.
It's times like these when I have the TV off, Colton is sleeping and the house is at rest that I begin to think about everything we went through just one month ago.
During the first two weeks of Colton's life I cried multiple times daily. I cried because I was scared. Scared that my little boy wouldn't make it. Scared that he was in pain. Scared that he would think that we weren't there for him around-the-clock like 'normal' parents were when their babies are born. Scared that he was lonely when we left the hospital at night. Scared that he might feel all alone, all the time.
There are so many immediate decisions to make when you give birth to a child. And when you give birth to a preemie, the decisions just multiple. The one I will remember the most was when the nurse asked us if we'd like an 'emergency baptism' should Colton take a turn for the worse. I answered immediately without looking at Drew because I knew he was thinking the same thing. Of course we would want him baptized, but why were they asking us this? Was it because there was a chance that he wouldn't make it? I couldn't even begin to comprehend this question. I just answered it, and moved on with our day, only to go back to that question at least once a day…most of the time at night when we would leave the hospital.
I also felt like I was disappointing Colton. I was supposed to be his sole provider of food, and it was taking me days to even begin to see light at the end of the tunnel. I remember coming home and sobbing while I was in the shower, praying that my milk would come in. I would cry in the lactation room at the hospital...when the main reason I was pumping was to try and get my body to start lactating. It took seven full days before my milk came in. Of course by that time, Colton was eating formula through a feeding tube to help with his growth. As soon as my milk came in, we switched him over to breast milk.
I would cry nightly when Drew and I would play Colton's prayer bear that would say his evening prayers before we left the hospital for the night:
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
May the angels watch me through the night,
And keep me in their blessed sight. Amen.
That prayer helped me get through the night. Just as the angel hanging over his NICU bed was, along with the cross hanging on the bulletin board next to his bed, my necklace hanging next to him with a cross and a heart on it, and the necklace I wore around my neck since the day of his 20-week ultrasound with a cross on it and a heart commemorating my Grandmother who passed away a few years ago.
I truly believe that God and his angels were watching over Colton. Not only during his stay in the NICU but throughout my pregnancy.
When I was only about a quarter of the way through my pregnancy I felt 'different.' I was experiencing symptoms differently than others were around that period of pregnancy. And with the results of our 20-week ultrasound being a challenge, it just seemed to go along with how I was feeling physically. Thank goodness, the results of the 20-week ultrasound never amounted to anything.
Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant. But what I realized is that I was in a constant state of worry. I was worried about all the things that could go wrong, rather than focusing more on all the things that were going right.
At times, I feel my worry was valid. Like when we had the ultrasound done at my mom's house and on the screen I saw Colton's face staring back at me on the screen. I had never seen a baby look outward on an ultrasound before. I felt him look at me and a strange feeling came over me, a feeling like he was in pain and was somehow asking for help. I know it sounds crazy, and at the time I was full of emotions due to the results of the 20 week ultrasound, but it's truly what I felt. I remember driving to work that Monday and crying nearly all the way there; remembering that moment where I saw my son looking out at me.
All of these emotions continue to come back when I think back to the past 9 months. I still have a great deal to process, but for now this is a good start.
It's truly been a journey. One that Drew and I will always remember. One that will remind me of how precious life is and how important it is to take in every moment…and to cherish the ones you love.
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