huge sigh of relief

i've been using this blog most recently as an avenue to share and remember colton's first year of life. i plan to continue doing so, but today, and maybe for a few more days after this, i'm going to use it as my therapy.

yes … therapy.

this blog makes little to no mention of our beautiful little baby girl, Hayden Rae Robinson, born on February 10, 2015 -- exactly one year and one week after Colton was born. the reason i haven't blogged about my experience through my second pregnancy is simple, and some might say silly: i didn't want to jinx it.

from the absolute second that i found out i was pregnant all by myself at my mom's house one early July afternoon, the feeling of complete fear took over me, and well, that overwhelming feeling of fear didn't actually leave me until a few days ago.

having back-to-back pregnancies after giving birth to Colton two months early for reasons unknown, was the most terrifying experience of my life. i had zero control. i didn't know if i was going to put my second child through the same NICU experience that seemed so terrifying for Colton. it tore me apart to see him hooked up to machines in the NICU; to leave him every night for someone else to care for him; to feel that he was lonely when we weren't there; to even, at times, fear for his life. i don't know why he was born early and i certainly didn't want to put another baby through that same experience. that is where my fear came from.

doctors weren't too reassuring that 'everything was going to be ok' with this pregnancy. so, that made it so much harder to even attempt at shedding the fear when the one person i thought might be able to just wasn't able to share those few words with me.

i felt alone.

i was the one responsible for this beautiful human being growing inside me. how was i going to make sure this didn't happen again?! if i've learned anything from being pregnant, and now being a parent, is that so much is left in the hands of God. so much is out of your (my) control. and as a self-proclaimed control freak, i had no way of fixing it … of making 100% sure that it didn't happen again.

so, i tried to live by the motto 'let go, let God.' it worked here and there, but my daily fear and worry continued from that day in July to just the other day -- 3 weeks after giving birth to Hayden Rae. my 'let go, let God' theory worked. Hayden was born at 36 weeks and 1 day, nearly 5 weeks later than when Colton was born at 31 weeks, 3 days. (my fear, worry, anxiousness during those 'crucial' weeks (24-32 weeks) are an entirely different blog post(s)…but for now, i am breathing a huge sigh of relief daily, thanking God for blessing me with a longer pregnancy.) and even though Hayden was born one month early and still technically a late-term preemie, she is a healthy, beautiful little lady who we were fortunate enough to bring home from the hospital without a NICU stay. that was my wish come true.

i made it though. no, WE made it. Hayden, Drew, Colton, and i all made it through the past 10 months of having some one in our household being anyone but themselves (that's me). i'm slowly feeling back to 'normal' and adjusting to being a mom to two beautiful children. i am at a point in my life where i can see what i've been dreaming about for my family coming true. i have a wonderful, and very patient, husband; two beautiful children; a dog whose loyalty is unmatched; and now a house big enough for my children to play freely and a yard big enough to play a baseball game and then some.

i know drew and i will look back on the past couple of years and think about this journey God led us on. From the moment we said 'i do' our lives have changed immensely...for the better. i just don't think we've fully realized it yet.  xo